After a particularly bad argument with my editor, I was greeted with an email from a friend who had a demo key to duke nukem forever. After some effort I downloaded the demo and summarilly played it.

The game opens up to a bathhouse, but it’s not any kind of bathhouse, it’s one of those Turkish ones with the waiters that bring you hot soups, and everyone is naked, but the game pixilates out the nudity. All the men are burly, hairy creatures who talk with extened vocabulary, the voice acting was amazing.

I spent the first half hour in the game in conversation with the NPCs, one of them had a delightful anicdote about the time he fought the Zulus with his mech unit, and at that point the game cut to the flashback! Suddenly there I was, piloting a georgeously rendered timberwolf mech over the jungles of Africa, knee deep in mechanized Zulu mechs. The controls were pitch perfect, as I kept wave after wave of Zulus at bay with the monstorus flamethrowers.

And just as suddenly, the game cut back to the Turkish Bathhouse, and I was getting a massage from a very attractive young woman, who got up and beaconed me out of the room. I followed her down a hall and caught a glimpse of my avatar in game. Duke is a dapper, strapping fellow, with a stovetop hat and mutton chops going down to his chin. He has a tasteful amount of chest hair and, judging by the size of the censored area, average sized genitals, and this made me feel better about myself and the choices I’ve made in life.

So anyway, down the hall again, and this time into a changing room. I was then prompted to select and outfit. I chose a dashing flannel shirt, with some jeans, workboots, and rainbow suspenders. The game’s clothing editor is so precise, I was even able to outfit duke with a red handkerchief in his right back pocket! 

I continued outside the Turkish Bathhouse, and there they were. The Aliens. An dropship wooshed over and down the road, about 1/4th of a mile (not sure, this game being Metric and all) and the drop ship dropped a 5 story tall monstrosity of a boss. And soon I was handed a… could it be? The PowerFist from Quake 3! Oh what times I had with this back in the day, smashing about with my freinds online. Good times.

I put two and two together, and verily pressed the W and Shift keys in unison to make Duke sprint forward. The movements were so fluid, with each jump Duke gained speed. Faster and faster until soon I had gone plaid! All the textures turned into a plaid pattern, blending into a sublime audiovisual experience. This must be, I reasoned, what a religious experience feels like.

One more jump and I’ve reached the speed of sound (according to the game’s HUD) and I press the left mouse button to activate the PowerFist and BLAM, I go right on through, punching a Duke sized hole through the boss. He collapses in a beautifully rendered heap, blood pouring out through firehose sized veins. In his native tounge (which the game has subtitles for) the alien laments his decision to go to war, and leaves us all something to think about.

The demo fades out and goes to the next level. A driving stage! This time I’m driving a 1960 Chevy Corvair on a rally stage. And my co driver is none other than Ralph Nader! Also Circa 1960. He’s a dashing fellow who gives great driver updates. Even though I’m using a keyboard, the controls are still fantastic, and I’m able to have a kind of flow through the turns.

But soon… Aliens again! Me and Ralph ditch the car, and brandish weapons from the trunk. I’m armed with a Walther PPK, and Ralph has a Hello Kitty branded AR-15. We make short work of the waves of aliens, but a surprise attack from a sniper (goddamn AWPS!) fells Nader. I angrily retaliate, killing the sniper and the den of orphaned, self-aware woodland creatures that were under his care. I go back to Ralph, who is fading fast. In a touching moment, Duke cradles Nader in his last moments, I use the right mouse button to close his beautiful eyes one last time. 

But now I’m HOT STONKING ANGRY. and I’m ready to KILL AGAIN. I hop back into the Corvair and gun it, accidentally running over Ralph Nader’s ragdoll, which bounces to the side comically. I drive down the road and jump a ravine, spectacularly. I land and there are…more aliens! It looks like the aliens are on a field trip! I get out of the Corvair and brandish the Hello Kitty AR-15, emptying clip after clip into the pesky Aliens. The chaperone aliens are taller, but they’re hunched over and crying over the deaths of the child aliens (such realistic AI!) so they’re easy to kill.

Once all the alien children (and their chaperones) are killed, the game goes into Head-On-a-spike designer mode! Where you can place the head of the slain on spikes and add doo-dads and hats (which can be purchased in the in-game store).

After I was done, the game faded to a cutscene of Duke…on trial! for crimes against living creatures! The camera faded in as the alien prosecuter listed the charges: First degree, second degree, third degree, and Nth degree murders. Spoiling the ending to Twin Peaks. Loitering. Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon despite knowing better. The list went on and on, as the camera tightened in on Duke. He lifed his glasses and winked at the camera, and it faded to black. Oh boy!

This is where the demo ends, sadly. The game comes out June 14th, 2021! Just a few days after Half Life 2: Episode 3, City 17 Carwash! Going to be a busy week!